matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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