my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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