she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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