My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
