my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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