dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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