Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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