He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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