My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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