she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
