My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
