My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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