I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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