What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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