"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
