I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
