I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize