He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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