Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
