Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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