I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
