I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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