I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We need to get me chipped asap
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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