Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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