...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
