i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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