Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
