There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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