My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
