even my farts smell like vagina
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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