So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
