Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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