just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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