My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
