Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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