Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
