I love black thongs
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
