Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So drunk its hurt
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
