when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
