After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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