Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
