Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
