Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
