I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
