I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I want her autograph on my taint
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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