dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
