He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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