dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
