If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
