I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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