If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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