Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
