walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
