the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
