I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
