the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
