Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
